Title? We jelly beans know nothing of this title!
by MalonHunter
Summary: ermmmm.... uhh.... i dont know what to do other than claim long-term insanity....
1. Default Chapter

A Very Loony Story  
"So... what minion should I have now?" Kyr asked  
"Well, howzabout Constipated Flying Nuns- no- you've already done that," Madame Zola mumbled to herself.  
Yet again, out of nowhere, Kyr broke out into song, "Oh where in time is Sage, stop her crime and solve this mystery- Oh where in time is Sage, we're on the case and we're chasin' her through history..."   
"Not again!!!" Madame Zola moaned, " but you gotta hand it to her, that is a good question."  
Suddenly, a blinding purple flash erupted from Death Mountain - which somehow happened to be right outside... along with Lake Hylia and Lon Lon Ranch.  
"Ha le lu yah!!!" MalonHunter yelled, "If you will excuse me, I am off to 'visit' an old friend of mine named Malon, be back in a sec."  
MalonHunter skipped off singing one of those annoying songs that the munchkins sing from the Wizard of Oz, and the moment she was out of sight, Sage popped in.  
"Come here quickly! I have important information for you all!" she whispered.  
"What about Malonhunter?" Kyr asked.  
"That's what the news is about!!!" she hissed.  
"What-MalonHunter? I thought she was a Who!" Kyr said.  
"No you moron- she isn't from the Grinch who stole Easter!" Sage yelled.  
"I thought the Grinch stole Christmas?" Madame Zola asked.  
"Whatever. Anyway, I have reason to believe that she is actually an alien who flew here on a purple banana a bazillion years-"  
"That's it!!! My minions are temporarily purple bananas from the planet Shmoo!" Kyr cut her off.  
"Will you shut up?" Sage yelled, "OK, here's the plan, spray her with super glue and then take her to Area 51 to be- well, I don't even want to know"  
"You are forgetting one thing- she's Malonhunter, she practically invented glue! I think we should hi-jack a semi and hit her in a drive-by!" Madame Zola yelled.  
"But she has to be alive or they won't take her...I know! Kyr, your purple bananas will capture her and fly her to Area 51!" Sage yelled.  
"Righto, but when? She is out at Lon Lon Ranch right now... how about tomorrow?" Madame Zola asked  
"Nah, I hafta go to the car wash to get my purple bananas their steering wheels," Kyr said in her loony way.  
"OK then, the next day or never!!!" Sage shouted.  
Suddenly, MalonHunter burst through the door with an evil grin on her face. Sage immediately did the disappearing act to who knows where.  
"Hello again! What'd I miss?" she asked.  
"Why don't you tell us?" Madame Zola blurted out.  
"Yeah! Wesa all know dat you izbein an alien from Under de Sea!" Kyr yelled.   
"Could you repeat that in English? You sounded like an alien yourself! MAlonhunter said, seriously wondering about Kyr's mental health.  
"Oh, well then why can't you understand her, eh?" Madame Zola asked.  
"OK! That's it! No more sugar for either of you, you have definitely lost what you never had," MalonHunter said while eyeing the two critically.  
"Get out of here before my evil pikachus of doom blow you to Mars!" Madame Zola ordered.  
"Fine then, I'll just go and climb the mountain that mysteriously appeared with my monkey-lizards," Malonhunter said while ignoring the comments made by Madame Zola and Kyr.  
The minute she stepped out the door, Sage appeared again.  
" Why do you always disappear when Malonhunter is around, hmmmmm?!?!" Kyr asked," Tell us- Ninety-nine bottles of booz on the wall, Ninety-nine bottles of booooz!!!"  
"Here we go again- I think she belongs in a mental institute with all the other freaks of the world!" Sage said with disgust," Remember the plan! Day after tomorrow, we abduct Malonhunter!"  
Meanwhile.....  
"Something screwy is going on! Kyr looked like she had a clue about something, and that isn't normal!" Malonhunter told her monkey lizards," I think that we should go and sort of 'eavesdrop' don't you?"   
The monkeys all cried something that had to be agreement because Malonhunter got on one's back and they flew off.   
MAlonhunter and her monkeys heard the conversation between SAge, Kyr and Madame Zola, then flew back to the shelter of Death Mountain.  
"OK, first order of business- Am I an alien? How does one know if they are an alien?... Ya better have a good answer!" she threatened.  
"Well, I believe that the proper name is 'extra terrestrial' and I have more reason to believe that the Sage in that house is the extra terrestrial in this story," a voice from above said.  
"WHOA!! Double take- was that God? Sage an alien?.... Actually it isn't that hard to believe considering how much it explains," she said.   
Malonhunter then looked up and saw a big fuzzy blue thing, "AAAAAAH!!! They DO exist! Sage's entire belief system is right!!!" she shrieked.  
"Calm down! We won't hurt you, and you won't hurt us...!" Cyclops said  
Malonhunter stood there in pure shock for a moment before replying with an evil grin," As far as you know, you as in the person in yellow spandex standing right in front of me, I won't hurt you- heh heh, Christmas came early, now where did I put that electronic razor?"  
"OK, OK, Where's the talking monkey? I'm dreaming so there has to be one around here somewhere.... Here monkey, monkey, monkey, Come out Come out wherever you are..." she said while looking behind rocks.  
"Listen bub, there ain't a-" an overly hairy man also known as Wolverine said.   
"BINGO!!!" Malonhunter cut him off," We have our monkey!"  
"Heh Heh, dis kid is right mon ami, you do look like a monkey!" Gambit said.  
"Whoa!!! Ok Ok, I admit, I've had my suspicions, but now I know, I am absolutely, officially a raving lunatic! Well, either that or Sage's entire belief system is right!" she said as she sat down.   
"Is Sage de really loony kid wid de freaky monkeys? She's locked up on Mars," Gambit said.  
"Snort- when is she not?"   
"Gal, think! She's really there! Jean saw her!" Rogue said  
"Ok, I got an idea- but I guess I hafta work you guys in it somehow..... You people wouldn't be able to get Sage and her rabid monkeys back here on Earth, would you?" she asked.  
"Of course. We can easily fly the Blackbird to Mars and break her out..... How else would we get her here?" Professor X asked  
Suddenly, MalonHunter burst out laughing. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Vroom-no we go left- shoop vroom.... HAHAHHAHAHAHAH!!!!!! I can just see you competing in the Wheelchair 500 saying ' Get off the road!!! You don't deserve to drive- oops, sorry ma'am! - HAHAHHAHAHAH!!!"  
"Although I'm sure that would be quite a spectacle, we have to focus on the current problem. Cyclops and I shall go get your friend while the rest of you think up a plan," Jean Grey said.  
The two ran off to the plane while the others sat down and started to think.  
"Before you people get caught up in the moment, one question: How is it that Cyclops managed to get a girlfriend?" MalonHunter asked  
"He is a kind, caring, and responsible young man," Professor X said.  
"HA HA HA, you should be a comedian- that pansy?" MalonHunter asked  
"He is very loving," Professor X said.  
"Why don't you marry him, eh?" MalonHunter asked  
"Because I already have a boyfriend!" Professor X said irritably.  
Everybody looked at him, before deciding to ignore the comment in order to keep their mental health. 


	2. loony plot thickens

The Loony Plot Thickens  
Well, everyone was bored stiff, X-Men, human and monkey-lizard alike. It was now the next day and they already had thought up a plan, Malonhunter was going to go and talk to Kyr, try to convince her of coming back to Death Mountain, (but if worst came to worst, Malonhunter and her monkey-lizards would kidnap her) and then they would tell the purple bananas to capture the alien who was posing as Sage.  
"I don't see 'her Mon ami! Someone else go look!" Gambit said.   
"Ah'll go and lookout from the sky, care to join me Storm?" Rogue asked.  
Storm was looking a little green, staring out the mouth of the cave. Everyone turned around and saw a couple of huge purple bananas with brand new steering wheels. Before anyone could act, one popped out of its peel and blew up Professor X's wheelchair.  
Kyr jumped off of one and slapped it, "I told you don't hurt anyone! Mr. Yellow-thingy is now dead an' I don't think baldy over there is to happy!"  
"I'M NOT BALD!!!!! All of my hair just moved down to form my luxurious eyebrows, which I am growing out to donate to the homeless!!!" Professor X said, obviously infuriated.  
"I tink de Professor has a few gears loose," Gambit whispered,  
"Not Gears, Plates, Paper ONES!" he yelled.  
"My dear Professor, I think you should lie down for awhile, you don't seem yourself!" Beast said gently.  
The Professor looked up for a moment before realizing what he had said, then calmed down a little bit.  
"Malonhunter, is you an alien?" Kyr cried, "The fako Sage is gonna take you to a baaaad place, yes, oh, very bad indeed!"   
"How dya know dat she's a fake eh?" Gambit asked, surprised anyone could be so weird.  
" Cause she talks to me like a SANE person, doesn't even yell, either she suddenly got smart or isn't SAge, I don't think she could gain brains so fast-like," Kyr said between hiccups, "Hic- I don't like- hic- the way- hic- she talks- hic- to me- hic- sanely- hic-"  
Suddenly, Beast jumped down from the ceiling right in front of Kyr and scared the beans out of her.  
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHic, hic, HICUP!"  
"Ok, she should be cured!" Beast said, pleased with himself.  
"Kyr did the fake Sage make Madame Zola believe her?" Malonhunter asked  
Kyr simply nodded because she was still in shock of what Beast had done. Rogue abruptly picked up Professor X and flew of.  
"Hey! Where d'you tink your goin'?" Gambit yelled  
"Oh wise and powerful Ms- er- Professor X will rule the world!!!!" Rogue cried  
" I tink de Professor went off de deep end and is pwobin' Rogue's mind!" Gambit yelled  
Suddenly, the Blackbird finally came into view. Once it landed, the door opened and Adrienne came out screaming, "Holy son of a monkey!! AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! It's the pansy-man!!!! Run for your lives!!!! Every monkey for herself!!!!" she screamed, She ran down the ramp and hid behind MalonHunter.  
"I thought that you would do that........ what's it this time?" Malonhunter asked.  
"Buddy-boy in spandex blinded me for life!" she said," wait a minute, if he's real, then Gambit is real- NAAAAAHHHHH, there's no way,"   
"The lights on but no one's home," Kyr said," where is de Cajun anyway?"  
"Ah don't know, but somethin's going on!" Rogue said  
"Wait a minute, you just flew away carrying the Professor!" Beast exclaimed  
"Hank, no such thing happened, the last thing I remember, I was hit on the head....... Someone must be an imposter......" Professor X said while in deep thought  
"It wasn't anyone I know, didn't smell like any mutant I've ever met.... anyone know someone who'd smell like a loony bin?" Wolverine asked  
The three non-mutants in the room- er- cave looked at each other, then at Wolverine  
"You are sure, one hundred percent sure..... couldn't you have gotten the scent mixed up with- I don't know- the Professor's after-shave, or some sort of perfume Rogue wears?" Sage asked  
"That's a thought, but the Rogue doesn't wear any perfume and the Professor's after-shave smells more like cow dung," Wolverine said while trying not to laugh  
"WHAT?!?!?!? I don't smell like a cow's buttocks, you do!" Professor X yelled  
"OH YEAH?!?!?!? Wanna fight old man?" Wolverine yelled  
"Hit me with you best shot-"  
Out of nowhere, two objects whizzed passed, then blew up while knocking out Rogue, Professor X and Wolverine.  
"Everyone can relax, Gambit has returned!" Gambit said, followed by another Rogue and Professor X.   
"AAAAHHHHH!!! He does exist! Can I have your autograph?!?!?!?" Sage shrieked  
SLAP!!! Malonhunter slapped a piece of industrial strength duct tape over Sage's mouth  
"Must be Gambit's way wid women!" Gambit said, getting a little full of himself  
"How are there two of them?" Kyr asked  
"These two are fake," Wolverine said motioning to the two unconscious on the floor while attempting to get off of the ground, " the girly was right, it was the Professor's after-shave that I smelled, while these two smelled like nothing!"  
As though those were magic words, the fake Rogue and Professor X disappeared into thin air.  
"OKAY..... I didn't expect that, but whatever..... LOOPY DRUGS!!!" Kyr screamed  
Malonhunter shoved a bottle full of pills down Kyr's throat to bring her mind into reality- atleast temporarily.  
"What should we do about de problem we have eh? Ya know, de freaky kid who is an alien?" Gambit asked  
"The plan will go the according to what we discussed, but Kyr must go back and act like she doesn't know anything," Professor X said  
"I know! Beast, can you program the Purple Bananas to abduct the alien on time?" Sage asked, finally yanking of the duct tape  
"Of course!" Beast said while hopping over to the bananas  
"I know how to make her forget!" Malonhunter said as she banged a rock over Kyr's head  
"She'll wake up sometime on the flight to the house and won't remember a thing!" Beast said, "Brilliant!"  
"Don't worry, it was a fluke, it'll pass," Malonhunter reassured   
"Ah hope this works or we all are in really big trouble!" Rogue said as she loaded Kyr into the biggest banana  
They sat there and watched the fleet of bananas fly off into the sunset, each hoping that the alien will die hard- why? Who knows? 


	3. THE LOONY STORY ENDS- FINALLY!!!!!

The sound of soft footprints awakened them on the day of action .  
"Whazzat???" Sage asked sleepily.  
"Nobody you've met, just someone from another story!!!" an intruder said cautiously  
"Oh my GOD! Who put Link in this storyp? If I have to be working with him, I want a raise!!!" Malonhunter yelled.  
"Oh- ain't nobody 'mportant, go back to sleep mon ami," Gambit muttered, still halfway asleep.  
Malonhunter suddenly got up and walked out of the cave muttereing, "If you want something done right, do it yourself!! Even my friends are defective...."  
"Where is she off to?" asked Storm.  
"Who knows, who cares? I do hope she brings back some coffee, it would be superb!" Cyclops said.  
"If she does happen to find some java, it'll be gone by the time she gets here and she'll be bouncin off the walls!" Ad said while dozing off.  
"Suddenly Malonhunter ran back in with a chicken and yanked the hell out of it's tail to make the sorry sucker crow.Everyone immediately woke up and started spitting colorful phrases at her.  
"I knew this would work better than coffee! Nothing like someone really tickin you off to start the day!!" malonhunter muttered, dodging the various projectiles being thrown at her.  
"Oh YEAH!!! It's really the Folgers in my cup!" Sage yelled furiously.  
"If you are so bloody mad, i'll leave!" Kristin yelled, blocking a rock thrown by Sage.  
Malonhunter ran down the mountain, jumped on top of a monkey-lizard and flew away.  
"What happened to her?" Storm asked.  
"You should be more concerned about what's gonna happen to you!" Link cried, pointing a couple of really weird guns at everyone, " HANDS UP!!! I don't want to see anyone even trying to use their powers!!!"  
Something flew passed Wolverine's head, knocking link out.  
"Ok, I think that we should figure this out once and for all" Malonhunter said, followed by Kyr, Madame Zola and another Sage.  
"Someone or something just MIGHT be controlling Link.... well, we are all hoping so, but anyways, once we figure this out, it will tell us who the REAL alien is!!!"  
"The question is, will he talk?" Madame Zola asked.  
"NOOOOO! NEVER! DEATH FIRST GERUDO SCUM!!!" Link yelled, waking up.  
"Go! Banana Men, Peel Burst!" Kyr yelled.  
"She been watchin' too many cartoons, no?" Gambit muttered.  
The bananas flew towards Link, nearly hitting him, but he did something that even he didn't expect.  
"SLICE AND DIIIIICE!!!!! DIE DIE DIE!!!!!" he yelled as he chopped up the purple bananas.  
"And so ends the legacy of the Purple Bananas, let us have a moment of silence in their honor." Beast said quietly, bowing his head.  
Thought they were all covered in chopped up banana bits, they lowered their heads in silent respect, everyone united for a precious moment.... once the moment was over, however, is a different story altogether.....  
"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!" both Sages and Links cried.  
"Can they all be aliens?" Wolverine asked.  
"Our super dee duper sensors detected one life form aboard that alien ship!!!" Cyclops exclaimed.  
"Did you ever stop and think that the stupid sensors could be wrong? I mean, maybe the dang alien has morphing powers? I don't know, you are the bloody mutants here!!" Madame Zola screamed.  
"OK, EVERYONE JUST STOP!" Kyr cried.  
"There is only one logical way to figure this out! Every one of the humans- and whatever the heck Link is- line up on the wall!" Beast ordered.  
"Now, we are going to ask you questions, and the Professor and Jean will use their mutant powers to see if you are telling the truth!" Storm said.  
"Okay, de kid in de dress wid panty hose an' pointy ears, who lives at de ranch down dere?" Gambit asked.  
"Malon, her father, and their hired workman Ingo, who is secretly evil!" Link answered.  
"OK, Malonhunter, what are Sage's minions?" Wolverine asked.  
"They are rabid monkeys who have REALLY BIG BAZOOKASTM- you can buy the defective version that blows up in your face at the nearest GUNS R US!" Malonhunter recited  
"What is the shape-shifter's name on our side?" Beast asked  
"MORPH!!!" both Sages cried.  
"Kyr, what was your first minion?' Cyke asked.  
"Constapated Flying Nuns- they died because their pipes got too backed up!" Kyr said.  
"OKAY.... The moment of truth!" Professor X said mysteriously, "The alien-"  
"C'mon hun, lets get the show on the road!" Link yelled.  
"Well, it is my belief that nobody hear is an alien, just mutants who are trying out their powers!" Jean said grandly.  
"Awwwww.... SO CLOSE!!! We are actually EVIL mutants!!!" Link cried.  
"We are?????? Since when????" Madame Zola wondered.  
Suddenly, a faint rumbling from the heart of death mountain grew louder and louder, until it erupted, killing them all. (how nice, eh?) The eruption was followed by a blinding flash and Lon Lon Ranch, Lake Hylia and Death Mountain disappeared.   
  
  
Miles away, the REAL Sage, Kyr Madame Zola and Malonhunter felt a slight tremor.  
"What was that?" Madame Zola shouted.  
"Dunno, but we'd better get goin so we can TP Cyke's house!!!" Ad yelled.  
THE END  
  
  
  
  
Note- HEY, I had to end it somehow....... 


End file.
